[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
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Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Hey! This isn’t my car!
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
If snakes were wide
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
is it too early for christmas memes
