Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY

ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it

I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.

As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon

I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house

Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there

Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.

[being buried alive]

murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly

Failed Pickup Lines:

“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”

hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.

[crime scene]

BATMAN: Who the hell are you?

MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?

BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.

MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.

[BATBAT arrives]

BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?

Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….

Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”

Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.

– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill

ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir

Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.

Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?

*Password must be hard to guess*

New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?

I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.

I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.

Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this

I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.

When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.

When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.

Fine.

I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.

Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead

(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)

“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”

(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.

her: wanna come over

me: can’t i’m at an office party

her: ur self-employed

me: and having a great time

[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]

NO. DEAR GOD, NO!

It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.

How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

Happy Mother’s Day