Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
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I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
“Do you have vegan options?”
“I’m a black belt in tofu!”
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
I always order shredded iceberg lettuce on my Subway sandwich because I know my lap is probably hungry too
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
One time a grocery store clipboard guy was going too hard so I said “I’ve got fish in the car” and the weird level of specificity shut the whole interaction down. Now I use it all the time. Can’t talk, fish in the car. Works even better if you’re not at a grocery store honestly.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.