Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.

*crashes your wedding

Why aren’t you answering my DM?!

I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.

My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.

Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.

It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.

[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now

Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”

Outside: [*raining clowns*]

It finally happened.

After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.

Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.

*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matches

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”

*wine
*tampons

Tried escaping the morning crazies by drinking my coffee on the patio but it turns out the morning crazies have legs and arms and they just followed me out there

me: can i be frank for a sec

boss: sure

frank: thank you

Me: I love you more than a flower loves the sun.

10: I love you more than a teenager loves her phone

TRES leches?! En esta economía?!

I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.

If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.

How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7

Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans

I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.

When you didn’t plan your story very well.

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.

~What is your sin, child?

My husband and I are arguing

~That’s very common.

…about my boyfriend.

I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’

*Lies on the couch*

excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”

I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”

That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it

What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.

Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*

If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?

The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.

If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste

Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity