Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
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Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
Battery falling down a hole
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
step 6: release the wall snake
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
Hmmmmm
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.