Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?

me: i added ginger

her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger

ginger: *wet meows*

I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.

Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”

A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation

“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently

Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?

Me: I swear it’s not me.

Dog: *sitting on the remote*

[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”

This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it

*at swingers club*

me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?

If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.

Me: How was school?

9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.

Me: Was it fun?

9: No. They stopped the bus first.

Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.

When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.

America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War

3 yr old: “At my next birthday will I go back to normal? Will I get littler again?”

Me: “no honey. Each birthday you get bigger. You’ll continue to grow. Isn’t that cool?!”

3 yr old: starts sobbing.

Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.

*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*

*Picks broccoli out while eating it*

[at home]

ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed

me: well..what’s the problem

ac repair guy: just shit in the filter

me: wait..to fix it??

They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.

‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.

20s: I want to see the world!

40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.

[Call from cell company]

We can give you 15 gigs for $100

Me: Excellent!

*Puts the band back together

If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.

Thanks for reading.

– First day of College
– Dorm meeting

Dorm monitor: Any questions guys?

Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??

Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.

I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen

*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched

You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*

I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.