Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.

Challenge accepted!

I love you, let me stand on your larynx.

– cats

BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir

How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?

When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”

becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now

me: I always follow my moral compass

friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass

*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!

100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.

me: im not the jealous type

her: good i hate jealous guys

me: what guys. how many guys do u kno

I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?

I used to think popcorn poppers were only good for making popcorn. How right I was!

I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.

I tried to stifle my laughter as best I could, but in my defense, you did have an interpretive dance at your wedding.

First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.

I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻‍♂️

Me: when is your birthday

Her: March 1st

Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?

Me: it hit me completely out of the grey

Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?

Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes

How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?

Amazon Review: Ghost costume

⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not Recommend

Poorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.

Daughter: He found a garter snake

Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-

Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt

Mom: Damn it

Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.

James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?

Therapist: That is how these things usually work.

My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.

Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.

me: i just don’t feel employable. no, beyond that. something is fundamentally broken or missing in me. i belong nowhere.

my landlord: Hey 😡👊 Don’t say that about my tenant 💔

People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.

Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….

me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*

hot dog demon: not you again