Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.

Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.

Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up

Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?

I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.

Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year

5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese

Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt

Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.

My math is correct, just ask any parent.

my boyfriend just said “i encourage you to try all things” to our cat who was licking up buffalo sauce

This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.

yo who decided that the standard lullabies for children are about people dying of bubonic plague or baby cradles falling out of trees

“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe

[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car

A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese

“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”

Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.

Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.

Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.

Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.

the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud

a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt

I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!

the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun

Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?

Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*

I’m ok…allergies are bad.

My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.

customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it

[Bear attack]

Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.

Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!

Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?

Me: Can you explain your haircut?

as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year