@schumoo: I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.

@vineyille: After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.

@stevevsninjas: If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.

@awkwardphilippe: [Pizza falls on the ground] Hold HOLD! -Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it's been a full five seconds.

@EJGomez: employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again CEO: my God [10yrs later] CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao