seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
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my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?