Farting in the steam room was a bad judgement call.

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BOSS: Okay, let’s do this. What names are you pitching?
COWORKER: Hannah Montana
ME: Assapoopshits Massachusetts
BOSS: Michael you’re fired


No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though


Hey, guy who named the mustache

Hair lip was available


Me: Time to relax and get into bed!

The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?

Me: Yes, obviously.


I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom


“GO SPORTS!” -how I cheer for all sports


My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.


Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!

Put on my glasses….

Damn it!