Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
Farting in the steam room was a bad judgement call.
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BOSS: Okay, let’s do this. What names are you pitching?
COWORKER: Hannah Montana
ME: Assapoopshits Massachusetts
BOSS: Michael you’re fired
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Hey, guy who named the mustache
Hair lip was available
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
“GO SPORTS!” -how I cheer for all sports
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!
Put on my glasses….