@MoshBalls

Farting in the steam room was a bad judgement call.

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@MatCro

GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.

ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.

@SonofConway

Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.

@est1975blog

I’m “whenever my mother calls, I think it’s because someone’s dead” years old.

@virgiltexas

You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.

@FeelingMervis

Happy Valentine’s Day! So what’s everyone doing with their cats tonight??

@TheMichaelRock

8yo: can you tell me a story?

Me: sure. Your mom and I get ice cream after you go to bed every night.

8yo: WHAT?!

Me: goodnight, buddy.

@TheRealPalMal

Me: I really like her. What should I do?

Friend: Give her the time of day.

[Later]

Her: Hey.

Me: It’s 2 PM.

@redpawn3

I could totally handle twins, triplets even quadruplets.

Hold it, you’re talking about BABIES?

@House_Feminist

“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am