@INDlAN_: I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say: “It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.

@mishakey: I SAW ON THE NEWS THAT SOME GUY IN ANOTHER STATE DIED ARE YOU OKAY - my mom

@canadasandra: We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.

@edfoxcomedy: In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.

@JasonLastname: If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.