Farting in the steam room was a bad judgement call.

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GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.

ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.


Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.


I’m “whenever my mother calls, I think it’s because someone’s dead” years old.


You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.


Happy Valentine’s Day! So what’s everyone doing with their cats tonight??


8yo: can you tell me a story?

Me: sure. Your mom and I get ice cream after you go to bed every night.

8yo: WHAT?!

Me: goodnight, buddy.


Me: I really like her. What should I do?

Friend: Give her the time of day.


Her: Hey.

Me: It’s 2 PM.


I could totally handle twins, triplets even quadruplets.

Hold it, you’re talking about BABIES?


“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am