what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
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LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.