Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
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girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
[first date]
Her: I want a man who鈥檚 not afraid to say what鈥檚 on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I鈥檓 just weird.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
My niece is a child psychologist.
For a 12 y/o, her diagnoses are remarkably accurate!
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
a house doesn鈥檛 have to be haunted to scare me, I鈥檝e seen the listing prices.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We鈥檙e not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 馃槶馃槶馃槶
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
Charlotte鈥檚 Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It鈥檚 true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven鈥檛 eaten a spider since
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!