Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
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Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
hate when anxiety gives me stomach problems like baby you are supposed to be a mental disorder please stay in your line
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
Not to brag, but in school I was voted “Most Likely to Cling to Past Achievements”
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
If your baby takes the morning train and works from nine to five, and then takes another home again, man, that is one self-sufficient infant.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
After cooking show a dishwashing show with same host but kind of drunk.
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.