Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
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I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
Me: Send pics
Her: What do you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Her: What?
Me
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house