Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.

*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*

let’s discuss

I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.

The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.

According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”

People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be

Me: WHOOMP! there it is.

Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.

“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”

*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK

*later, flinging holy water*

ME: GET OUT GHOSTS

yes hello I’d like to exchange my generational trauma for generational wealth please

If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body

*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.

Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.

My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me

A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date

” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”

Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please

pet shop: please stop calling us

Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.

Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.

Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?

*puts on Band-Aid*

*bursts into flames*

holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy

Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*

100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion

if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm

I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.

Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.

Important Valentine’s Day PSA:

Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.

Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!

I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.