Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.

Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.

How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”

An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.

Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.

I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.

Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes

Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes

Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”

Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.

I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.

Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.

*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.

My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!

Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.

Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.

Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.

True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse

I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date

If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.

Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.

*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though

I remember when things only cost an arm.

Me: you’re a coward

Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”

detective: can you describe the crime scene?

me: which one i seen lots of crimes.

cop: you’re under arrest

me: you’re under arrest

cop: what

me: get in the car

cop: yours or mine

me: yours

Ape together strong

I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened

It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas

Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?

Picking up women at the bar and then gently setting them down

[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look

NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??

We’re having leftover pizza.