FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
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[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
uh oh
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.