Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.

Me: I’m not petty.

Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.

Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?

Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.

my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”

Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls

Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud

Me: I know how windows work pal

*both typing*

5:02pm
you: babe i love you

5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty

True?

[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!

Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.

Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.

mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice

My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.

I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.

i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it

My sons having a few friends stay over tonight

Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *check

Hopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while

When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.

Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.

Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.

Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick

[inventing napkin dispensers]

bob: it has 2 settings

exec: ok

bob: 1 at a time

exec: ok

bob: or 37 at a time

exec: first of all I love it

“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”

My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.

oh you hate me? name all of my flaws

Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.

that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE

Sorry I brought an air horn to your colonoscopy.

YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!

Dear student,

When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.

Yours,

A disturbed lecturer

Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.

Hub: What’s this?

Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.

Hub: *puts $100 in*

Me:…