Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
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My ducks may not be in a row, but at least they’re having fun. Your ducks probably hate you for making them line up like that.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
A driver that delivers Indian food is called a curryer.
Help
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
went to the frame shop. as I waited in dread to hear what it would cost, I closed my eyes and thought of a ridiculously high number and fixated on it so the real number, whatever it was, would come as a relief. but the real number was A HUNDRED DOLLARS HIGHER
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
zone out
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
My 7yo, “rich people have a lot of money and we don’t have that much, so we are normal people.” Idk, I’m still stuck on “we” because she has zero money.
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
‘Tis the season to wrap objects in colorful paper with the fine motor skills of an inebriated T-rex.
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
Oh really? We’ll see what the same 6 people who always agree with me think about that
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn