The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
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me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf