Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”

[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.

Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”

I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.

Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.

Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.

depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time

Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy

Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids

A wise man once said nothing.

This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.

[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengers

Wife: what no

Me: I’m growing weaker

Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes

I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.

I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?

Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?

Me: Rock climbing.

PT:

Me:

PT:

Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.

The moment I learned I was going to have to hide my grapes from this kitty…

beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever

I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.

“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”

woke up on the wrong side of the jed today

Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.

[Facebook Marketplace]

Me: Selling this guitar amp.

Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.

Me: How does this make sense in your head?

Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.

I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on

Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.

*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!

MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.

ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.

My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”

do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!

It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.