*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
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WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
Duolingo should have an “I’m going on holiday to this place very soon” setting so it teaches you “can I have the bill” and so on instead of “the cow boils an egg”
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
should i airdrop this to the person in the voting booth next to me
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
He was only called Mr Pepper until he published his groundbreaking research on fizzics.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
I’ve given up trying to remember to bring my bags to the store, now I roll my cart to the car and unload the items one at a time like the Pilgrims used to do
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! 2026 will be my year!!!