Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.

My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.

Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job

Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky

[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?

I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems

wife: what are you thinking about

guy who invented coffee: what if we pick the fruit off this plant, remove the seeds, roast them on a stove, let them cool off, grind them up into a near powder, pour boiling hot water over them, and then drink it

Me: My neck is a little stiff

Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis

Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things

Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?

Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever

Wife: So yes then

My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.

A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.

[being introduced to a new coworker]

boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company

me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE

ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—

the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw

me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room

cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you

hello 911?
ok first of all, happy new year

[listening to twenty one pilots]

ME: ok ok one at a time

My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.

My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.

I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.

god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up

Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.

I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.

My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.

I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.

A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.

Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.

When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.

“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases

[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.

[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?

Friend: yeah sure!

Me: *starts beatboxing*

If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.