Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.

[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]

Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster

My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.

”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar

Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.

Trying to limit my time on Twitter. Very aware of my responsibilities. Very going to scroll just a little longer… three hours later.

Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.

A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.

There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:

At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.

I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.

Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.

Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.

Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.

“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”

Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.

What goes “ooooooooo”?

A cow with no lips.

Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.

Stop

I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.

Mom: here comes the plane!

Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?

[field sobriety test]

cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop

flamingo: oh hell yeah

One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.

911 what’s the emergency

“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”

Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*

“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.

Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-

Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate

Daniel: sanding the deck was-

Miyagi: karate

Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-

Miyagi: anyway let’s move on

[First prison riot]

Me: *guarding my toilet wine*

Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏

Muppet Screams

Isn’t

I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.