fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
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We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
Just me and my debit card against the world
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
Gentle reminder to take a brief moment to close your eyes, take a deep belly breath, and gently stroke your chin to find all the prickly whiskers you missed last time you plucked.
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
I don’t work from home because there are too many distractions. My house has a TV and a PlayStation and it’s impossible to concentrate on these if I have to work.
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn