fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
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Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
very niche meme I made
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
* gets mugged *
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