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Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
hello pervert is such a strong opener
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
Those who do not remember the past are doomed to lose on Jeopardy.
Flying is a luxury experience in the same way as getting a colonoscopy is one.
You realize you are privileged to be able to afford it, but that doesn’t make it feel good.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
Right, that’ll keep the plane spotters away from the bottom of the runway, next job…
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*