[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
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I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
All generalizations are stupid.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
what do you want!!!!!!!!
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.