Fast food places should have a third window, where you can trade in the wrong stuff they gave you at the second window.

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Biden: Oh boy, his car is here, quick let’s all hide
Obama: Joe pls


My wife and I agreed never to go to bed angry with each other which is why we’ve both been awake since January 14, 2013.


Me: Siri, did you know millions of people misquote you on Twitter every day?

Siri: Tim, I want your polish sausage.


My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.


My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.


You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.


Me: when I grow up I’m going to be an astronaut.

5 year old daughter: you’re already grown up. You’ll be dead soon.


I wear a neck brace to the gym because it makes my physical ineptitude less embarrassing.