I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
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I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway