a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
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Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
good morning
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.