Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email

Imagine if food was sports

No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.

I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.

I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning

DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.

“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”

– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise

My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister

Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.

She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.

[creating animals]

God- I want an animal with 2 humps

Angel- And a cute face?

G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans

A- LOL

G- LOL

ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height

Who called it a deep freeze instead of ice-o-lation?

[First Date]

Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?

Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives

W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours

Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like

Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.

See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.

So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.

9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.

Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.

So, just me..

Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life

me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water

friend: that’s foreboding

me: I know what they’re for

Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.

GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds

I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.

When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.

do not take me to an escape room. i was a c-section. someone is gonna have to come get me

Becoming a dad turned me into an environmentalist. All I do now is turn off lights and yell at people who waste energy.

Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.

when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy

Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.

My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..

I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints

WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.