Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.

*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact

The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.

My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”

Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”

I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.

ant-man: im here to stop u

bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]

ant-man: motherf

My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it

Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by all

Me:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes

i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover

ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally

ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows

Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing

Me: ok

T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.

there are so many of them & they are getting closer

uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos

Me: NO

Science is fun!

#nottrue

Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.

He spends all day chilling in the water.

His life is one big pool party.

*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*

Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.

I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich

My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.

I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.

~me, every time my alarm goes off

They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”

Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.

Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight

oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer

Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)

Me: Put on your seatbelt.

13: Do I have to?

Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield

13: cool

Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!

my mother is staying with me for about a week, and i’m going to be honest, i didn’t even know the volume on my television went that high

TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately

Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.

Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.

I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.

MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.