Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!

I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”

The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.

“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.

Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*

Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.

daughter: do I have to brush?

me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?

daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.

I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.

I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.

Saw an Italian nativity scene:

• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys

one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs

I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.

Are wings and mini tacos okay?

Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:

Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again

Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.

But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.

pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet

Men: Remember that time…

Women: Yes

Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.

QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.

I wrote myself a note to be more organized. It’s here somewhere.

back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive

TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying

I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.

Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.

Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them

I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday

Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad

13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!

I told my therapist I was upset she raised her rates again and she said that while I can’t control the situation, I can do something to control my reaction.

I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.

Ken is short for chicken

Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive