fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
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“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
Rorschach tests are like so easy. Everything’s either a demon or a butterfly and it’s up to you to decide.
I put the h in mysterious.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
My wife and I eloped, but a month later we had a small party to celebrate with family and friends. Somewhere on the invitation we wrote, “bring an appetite,” which my wife’s Uncle Jerry misread as “bring an appetizer.” He showed up at the venue with a crockpot of enchiladas.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
My dentist has me so hyped up this morning, I’m thinking of creating a dating profile that just says “never had a cavity” and watching the matches roll in.