Fat chances are my favorite chances
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Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
You’re in a pickle…oh okay that sounds nice, can it be bread and butter please?
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
Rooting for the overdog
The kids were asking me what time they were all born and I said the youngest was born at 1:29am, and they all agreed that it must have been nice that she just came out while I was sleeping.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.
What a website
oh u like history? name everything that happened
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.