Fat chances are my favorite chances
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My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
j o i m p
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.