[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
You Might Also Like
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
Breaking news:
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture