[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
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I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
u can always tell when a man is dating someone new. why you going to aquarium and griffith observatory
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
hacker: got them. all the social security numbers
boss: good work
[later getting back from the bank]
boss: ok apparently we need names too
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??