Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.

Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves

Navy recruiter: Get out

Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?

Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed

[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly

why did we replace harmless white lies with therapy talk? i don’t need an essay about how you’re setting boundaries so you can’t make it tonight, just say your stomach hurts

[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back

Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.

I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.

Going for a poo could spell trouble!

Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.

Now who done made this a sport lmao

her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes

When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.

Hmm, not sure about this change

I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.

Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.

Me working remotely from home:

“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”

*moving laundry from washer to dryer

Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded

Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.

I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.

Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet

Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?

His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers

“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“

I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.

me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith

I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.

If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty

My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.

any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously

My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.