Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”

-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands

“I’ve been coronated”

-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now

Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”

Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”

Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no

Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party

Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too

Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.

Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend

Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.

Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it

I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”

Lmfao

Years ago I went to a job placement agency.

I left disappointed.

Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.

*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*

I come from a long line of successful people.

I decided to stop that tradition.

Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.

[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT

After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.

Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.

The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.

My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.

[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT

Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”

Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:

1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.

Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?

Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?

Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..

That’s how the fight started

Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?

*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.

Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss

Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving

Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target

“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”