[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
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Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
The Kool-aid Man: [down on his luck] screw it, I’m going to become a swear jar
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
There is no “we” in chocolate.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.