Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
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How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Don’t worry, guys. Together we can eliminate logic and reason on social media. I see some of you are already ahead of the game. Way to go
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
why would I work from home when i don’t even work from work
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
Tickling is the most absurd bodily function.
Here, let me use feathers to completely incapacitate you.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
I used to make jokes about sewing but I ran out of material
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
Icarus loved hot wings.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.