Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.

My kids: what are we having for…

ME: LEFTOVERS

Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.

Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!

-You mean the mosh PIT, right?

Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*

Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.

Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.

Me: How about bourbon?

Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine

[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop

Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.

Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet

Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood

#catsoftwitter

*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.

did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?

It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this

Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.

-my son, asking to be taken out of the will

I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.

*pogo stick inventor* I got you.

And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?

Drive thru cashier:

I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew

Brb taking my potted plant for a walk

“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”

STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?

TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.

STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.

Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!

ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say

Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.

Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”

Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die

Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”

My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.

My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”

My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her

How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?

Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.