Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s

Genie: done

Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy

Me: shhh

Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?

Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.

Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!

Me:

i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus

Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party

Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery

‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’

~me, parenting teens

No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.

wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding

Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay

*goes to bed

When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.

Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.

Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?

Me: Obviously.

[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?

OBAMA: How did you get this number?

[i see a hot girl walking her dog]

me: hi, can i ask you a question?

her: hi, uh, sure

me: i was talking to your dog

her: oh haha ok

me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me

He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.

*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses

You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.

me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?

therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy

When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.

Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks

Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.

Forget first names. We should just name storms after specific people. If you told me “Jane Ellen Green” (my former trigonometry teacher in high school) was headed my way, I’d be terrified & take immediate cover

Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.

Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”

“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”

-Humans

I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.

My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.

Should I be alarmed?

This. Is. Not. A. Drill.

Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.

I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter

If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.

I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold

I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.