Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
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It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
The Compass
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Called it
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.