Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.

Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store

Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.

I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”

Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.

People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.

…not with her, obviously, but still.

[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?

[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still

I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.

wish this weren’t a scam text. would love to go

Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second

I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas

If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.

🫡

Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend

calling a guy “my ex”

-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriend

calling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”

-true
-but makes me look pathetic

Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”

[highspeed chase]

ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*

[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]

Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.

something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care

3.

The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.

don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either

Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.

Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.

“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.

2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics

Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.

ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.

When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.

When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”

I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.

There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.