Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
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His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
Call me old-fashioned, but I thought we’d pretty much sorted the design of the cup.
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
It’s generally a good idea to start punching and throwing elbows immediately upon waking up because there may be enemies nearby
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
become ungovernable
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away