Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁

Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits

The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.

People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.

…not with her, obviously, but still.

If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍

I have one of those big paintings with the eyeholes cut out but I don’t have anyone to spy on so I just watch TV through it.

“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently

The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly

You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?

learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument

You excited to watch the Super Bowl?

“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”

[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]

I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed

#SuperBowl

Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.

“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.

My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.

Canadian winters be like:

Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.

me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am

girl: i asked for water

me: patience, Linda

It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?

My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire

My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.

Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.

impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.

If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.

Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend

Me: The doctor?

Her: He never comes over anymore

Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird

My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife

[America’s Got Talent]

Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?

Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time

me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth

[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT

I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..