Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job

STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?

CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—

CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.

The Assassin.

A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.

Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?

Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?

ok aliens show up tomorrow and you have to choose one person and the aliens will watch that person’s entire life back (they have the technology don’t worry about it) before deciding whether to spare humanity or not. who are you picking

9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!

The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.

me: if you love someone set them free

boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners

me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad

{during sex}
him: i’m sorry, did you just say “faster, papa smurf”

Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.

we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park

“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made

I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list

I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.

The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.

This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede

Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year

Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce

Me: Ohh no! What happened?

Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.

microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie

godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we

king kong: oh you’re one to talk

What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!

At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.

[Nightclub]

Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES

Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth

Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth

Bishop: no

Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.

GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this

“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.

my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him