Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
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employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver