Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.

It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.

Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!

Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?

Writer: Mission Impossible 9!

Producer: BRILLIANT!

HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.

HIM: She’s mad at me.

I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.

Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped

I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.

I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.

Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.

I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.

“Evolution-schmevolution!”

-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy

Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.

I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”

[vet pulls me aside] have you been teaching your cat martial arts
me: you mean purrate?

I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.

Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end

I don’t know which is worse, people stealing your tweets or people not stealing your tweets.

Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?

Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.

Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here

Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh

*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*

Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.

[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?

*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*

Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it

I hope none of the people I vowed to “help hide a body” ever actually need my help

Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation

Them: and what is this?

Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am

Them: hmmmmm….

*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP

You know what they say about a guy with big hands?

He can carry more cheeseburgers.