Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
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My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
I can’t cook dinner if the can opener is broken, so I drove over it a few times just to make sure.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
[first day on the job]
Newspaper editor: Don’t worry, you’ll have supervision
Clark Kent: *sweating* Who told you?
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
“We need a machine that can count all these damn geigers.” – guy who invented the geiger counter
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.