Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
Today will be the day I finally tell my friend that “touche” isn’t pronounced like “douche.”
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
not for long
Customize Your Wedding.
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
