Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
just walked into a wine tasting w my friends and announced “these are my taste buds” and not one person hi fived me
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
