Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
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Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
WB: We want you to play the Penguin.
Colin Farrell: OK.
WB: But you’ll have to wear a ton of uncomfortable prosthetics for long periods of time.
Farrell: Sure.*3 years later*
Farrell: I didn’t sign up for this.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
Penn and Teller is my favourite double act that sounds like 2 things you find in a bank
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
BRO LMFAO
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
Cicadas will full on dominate a conversation and then leave you on read for 17 years.
I just invented the world’s fastest escalator.
I call it the “escanow.”
reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
me, testifying before congress: …& i think everyone here agrees that it’s about time lawmakers overturn the ‘he who smelt it, dealt it’ law because we know that it’s not always the case
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
Cause of death: Zumba
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
