Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
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Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
When you “pspspsp” too hard
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.