Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
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Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
eating plastic bags is awesome. i don’t know why everybody is getting mad at me for doing it
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Goat cheese is for herders.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh