Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*house explodes into flames*

Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?

Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.

“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”

*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas

[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario

*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh

🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶

Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…

Him: Steve…my name is Steve.

Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.

My daughter asked why I drink so much beer

I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol

wife: we should get a pet

me: *nodding* a wolf

wife: are you insane? those are dangerous

me: a large dog

wife: ok thats a good compromis-

me: that hates the moon

My doctor says I’ve got to give up poorly thought out fruit-based jokes.
I was peachless when he told me.

I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.

Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.

If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.

If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?

FISHERMAN: Which one?

[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]

Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.

[quietly dies a little inside]

Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again

“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”

– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered

I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.

WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???

The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.

Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.

Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.

(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)

Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….

My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.

The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary

Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…

I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on

if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years

Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM

Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little

Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.

My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂