Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: oh, I have a great ide…

wife: no

read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of

Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho

Your neck. There’s an axe for that.

what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry

[grocery store]

Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this

Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him

Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.

NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.

So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.

I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.

When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?

if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.

Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.

I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.

*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*

Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?

Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”

Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?

I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.

I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.

Me: I want beer

Cashier: ok how much

Me:

Cashier:

Me: I want it so so much

Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.

Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.

The good ones are already taken.

I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box

I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.

I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.

I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.

Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*

Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!

Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.

I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922

I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.

Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.

Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.

I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.