[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
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We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
surely got to be a better way to end each section of this Mental Health training course
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
date: I like guys who are not afraid to show their artistic side
me: [to waiter] can I get a crayon and kid’s menu
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
why is everyone yelling about nude ears
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
