Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear Diary,

I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.

My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me

If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.

My birthstone is a marshmallow.

“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf

Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.

I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.

It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.

“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”

shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie

The perfect Venn diagram doesn’t exis-

wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table

me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training

I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number

Avoidance is expensive

I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.

Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!

oops! 5 second rule!

oops! 5 second rule!

Pick up, table two

Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?

I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.

I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”

SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M:  I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*

TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?

BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not

I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.

waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?

me: no no I’ll find it thanks

Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard cats screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. They are just probably in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT

[comedy club]

GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?

TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it

If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.

3 came up to me and asked for all the water in the house and then 4 came up to me and asked for all the paper towels in the house so I’m probably going to have to move.

Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about

I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.

How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO

[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO

*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*