Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.

A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.

i have an area in my backyard i call “the big stew” it’s a pit i dug where i dump old batteries, gas, household chemicals, and dr pepper. i stir it once a month

HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 years

BEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you

The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.

Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)

After this very serious election let’s do one goofy one

Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.

how long have you had this for?

[Wedding Day]

FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!

ME: it’s always today, janet

If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.

The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.

I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.

FUN PRANK:

Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say

“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”

Then watch how mad he gets.

when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again

*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.

My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.

me: *entering the ocean*

ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?

[Jeopardy]

Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.

Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.

Me: [buzz] what is summer.

Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.

Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.

My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.

And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.

At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.

Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human

OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!

“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “

Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.

Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.

Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this

Just found out my wife is pregnant.

Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus

doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test

me: did i pass? haha

doctor: no but you will very soon

Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.