[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
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Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
God help the parent* who tries to put a new food on their child’s plate.
*my husband
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there