Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
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I’m aging like a fine banana
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
the short answer to this question
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
Effort made
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
For if I die before I wake
I pray the third Paul Blart they make.
we all know this pain all too well
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.