Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
You Might Also Like
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your house or an almost empty one.
There’s no in-between.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a cowboy hat while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you might have been buzz lightyear.