Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

one of the dumbest varieties of video you see on social media is the whole “this guy built a complete pub/bar/etc in his home!” thing. a bar is a place you go to that has other people. dress it up however you want you’re still drinking alone in your basement, man

They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.

everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no

angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?

God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise

I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*

According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.

😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️

Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon

4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here

Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom

Dear diary,

Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?

“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.

Okey dokey.

[end of interview]

Any questions for me?

Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?

YOU ARE SO HIRED.

18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.

Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.

i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking

Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)

I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.

I take after my dad.

2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.

Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.

Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.

Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.

NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”

Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.

Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?

Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*

Nick Fury: Holy shit!

Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.

You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.

“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?

WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?

ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back

Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.

Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.

Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?

Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries