Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
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My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!