Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
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Some people have a green thumb. My mom was like plant hospice. She helped potted plants pass on with dignity.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
I have to find a way to get in on one of those government programs where they spend $1.7 billion dollars and wind up planting like 7 trees
I got one brain cell left & it moves around my head like a windows screensaver
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
Wedding planning is organized crime.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.