Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
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1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
Was excited about this gym membership I got for Christmas, but today I found out you’re not supposed to “just watch.”
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
Still a very good boi….
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
the stuff you read about yourself once you hit a certain number of followers is crazy. CIA family, makes $10k/ month, was on Reddit, communist, conservative, white supremacist, Jewish, white, gay, straight, etc. all this from being really into pants.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards