Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A comma is just a period with a mullet.

me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux

penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]

me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size

We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.

Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?

Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?

My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling

Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.

My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned

How long do you have to wait between naps?

ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond

(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)

ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing

(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)

NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu

I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.

I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”

My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.

Sharon I have some bad news

I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.

I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.

According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch

but I can’t throw my chair at him

4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.

Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.

4:

Me: *sprints to the toaster*

My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.

ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon

Me: love it

ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon

Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes

ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon

Me: that’s an amer-

ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon

Me: goddammit

We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed

If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.

You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.

Looking for a pet that is friendly, loyal, fun and, in the eventuality of an apocalypse, tasty.

my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”

“As an outsider, what’s your view on intelligence?”

Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see

Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.

me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work

captor: i don’t care

me: they get paid under the stable

captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma

My wife told me she “likes it rough.”

So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.

-how guys understand women

Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!