Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
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Um … Hot Wings please
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
You wish you had this many chins.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Hungry me has no respect for bathroom scale me.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.