Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!

Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!

Him: Don’t do it! Get out!

Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!

satan: i am lord of the underworld.

me: Antarctica?

satan: no it’s much hotter.

me: (nods) Australia.

You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.

( *Runs out of toilet paper* )

I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.

*holds boombox over my head outside your window

Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?

Me: I’d like a pumpkin ale.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE BEER

The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint

Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.

My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.

Should I be alarmed?

This. Is. Not. A. Drill.

Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?

Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.

ME: do you have any specials

PHARMACIST: what

“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”

Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!

Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…

simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait

Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?

*writing dating profile*

Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…

Friend: Oh strong start

Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…

Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing

Me: …bitter and makes you poop…

Friend: *unplugging my wifi*

Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.

hate the questions they ask you when you go through customs. “do you have any friends in canada” no bro and why are you rubbing it in

ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?

I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It

Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.

I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.

Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!

Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.

I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.

*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?

*At the bar

Me)May I sit here?

Her)I have a boyfriend

Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down

I cannot begin to describe to you all how refreshing it is to me to finally see the real issues of our times being addressed

HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same