[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
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My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
“Sheer Arrogance”
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..