Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home

I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up

{Thomas Edison prank call}

Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*

I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.

I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.

My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.

We are a joint family.

Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what

[first day as a detective]

me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?

zz top: yes sir

me: and she knows how to use them?

zz top: that’s right

me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning

Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money

[Afterlife]

“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”

“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”

Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?

velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night

judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property

(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)

Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not

Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.

I have two things hanging up in my office:

1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did

My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.

Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.

(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)

Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?

(walks out)

I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard

For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you

I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.

the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe

The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.

Passenger Announcement: For all those going to the yodelling competition in Geneva, please go to Gate 37 and form an orderly orderly orderly queue.

Time estimates:

“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never

Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.

interviewer: what are your strengths

me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it

interviewer: what about weaknesses

me: my mom’s a mess

Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.

Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.

[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*

*closes door*

“Did you take out the trash?”

“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”