#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
You Might Also Like
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
Well, that’s one way to clear a train quickly.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
has anyone considered that millennials aren’t aging bc those koolaid jammers and lunchables preserved us?