Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.

Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…

Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.

me: point taken lol

guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening

I’m Kodak hut old. So I know a thing or two about humiliation, I had to pick up my own nudes, in person.

Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?

“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”

Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw

*Receives good, solid, sound advice.

*Does exact opposite.

Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”

*Caterpillar marriage therapy*

Wife: he’s not the man I married

Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!

dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s

Him: My friend got me a Fitbit

Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though

Him: You can buy them online

Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!

My so-called “friends” have asked that I stop referring to them that way.

Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.

me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat

mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]

me: so really i did you guys a favor

Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.

When’s dinner?

-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner

Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.

INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference

ME: oh I thought it said preference

Answers phone breathlessly

Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…

I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice

I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.

Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out

[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common

A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.

If snakes were wide

people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important

I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!

100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.

8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.

6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?

Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.

6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.

In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.

sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now