#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
You Might Also Like
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
The French word for sex is croissant.
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
Mapping the Lickability of the Periodic Table
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.