Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.

I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.

I like to listen to the national anthems during the award ceremonies. I’m into country music.

Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.

i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show

My purse is deeper than some people.

New mindset, who dis?

Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.

Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.

ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]

SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.

ME: I’d wait until next week.

Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one

*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit

Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.

After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.

lmfao come on

I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me

Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.

I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire

To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.

Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”

Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password

I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.

I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.

I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.

ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying

WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?

ME: first of all, he says you’re rude

[sees friend at the store]

“Hi”

Hey

“Where’s your better half?”

The PS4’s at home

“No I mean-”

Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.

My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.

Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?

Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.

Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.

A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.

I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you

[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD