Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.

When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.

Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.

Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”

My six year old: “Crab!”

*reading a children’s book*

That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.

I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends

I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.

We all wear masks.

I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask

In 3…2…1

Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.

Wanna run through the forest, while I chase you with a flamethrower?

My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.

[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy

[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy

My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow

Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.

Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?

It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.

A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.

Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.

When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.

Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.

look bro it’s not gay, i just wanna sleep nestled into your arm because it allows me to angle my head at the perfect 37 degree angle that relieves my nasal congestion

is getting good sleep gay now

is it homosexual to be alert in normal daylight hours

Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this

Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight

Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!

Me: *runs away*

I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…

NEVER. AGAIN.

I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?

Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.

You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.

When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.